Ahh, fantasy football season. My go-to cue for football starting is being lambasted by commercials of athletes telling me to pick them because of their performance last season, or when that commercial the NFL recycles every year with Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” comes on and some blonde girl whose fantasy team name was “Romolicious” is sobbing in her convertible. Maybe she’s crying because her fantasy team name is a mixture of Tony Romo and Bubblicious chewing gum, not because she went 1-13. See, friends, a clever fantasy team names is the hallmark and starting point of a good season. Do you really want to be the one who has to resort to your favorite team or alma mater and be the super intimidating “Go Buckeyes!”? No. Because then you’ll end up like Sloppy Sobby Girl and crying in your Honda. Or Pinto. Or whatever you drive, I don’t know your life.
So that’s why here at FantasyWired, we’re here to help.
1. Jason van Oh There Gogh’s My Finger
Because I like to think Jason Pierre-Paul hurt himself out of love, trying to impress his girl with some firecracker trick. You know, a little modern-day romance.
2. JPP: Yeah, I Used To Know V ✌
Another Jason Pierre-Paul joke for you hip-hop enthusiasts. The V sign, also known as the “victory gesture”, is used to represent peace or victory. In other countries, it is used to show disdain towards a person or object. Emoji optional.
3. Paintin’ Manning
"Shwooop. Hehe. You have to make those little noises, or it just doesn't work."
This is a brilliant play on words with Odell Beckham Jr.’s name. This one is risky if you have people below the age of 18 (I’m being generous here) in your group, so if you’re a parent, it also doubles as a fun segue into “The Talk”! You’re welcome. (Photo credit: mooustached_walrus, reddit.com).
5. J.J. Watch Out, I’m Bleeding Everywhere
Because J.J. Watt is definitely a bleeder. Shout-out to CBS for always showing close-ups of Watt’s bloody mangled face during the game! I hope before the start of the 2015 NFL season he’s donated some plasma, because I’m tired of seeing Bloody Watty every damn season. I mean, look at him. I’m glad he has zero time to wipe the gushing blood from his face while someone else tries to. J.J. Watt’s girlfriend, if you’re out there, can you just swap positions with your boyfriend for one week out of the month, please? #StopBleedingJJ
6. Art Class with Jon Gruden (or Cris Collinsworth)
Jon Gruden and Cris Collinsworth are the kings of drawing way too many abstract lines and circles on national television. These beautiful Pictionary drawings usually end up looking like a ... let’s go with “very phallic looking lollipops” for now. And if you haven’t noticed their art, you will this season. Trust me.
7. Get Some Colquitts, Get Some Colquitts
A play on words of the Geico commercial featuring the one and only Ickey Woods doing the one and only Ickey Shuffle. Forty-four, ladies, that’s him.
8. I Colquitt Cold Turkey
Named for brother punters Dustin Colquitt of the Chiefs and Britton Colquitt of the Broncos. Both of which can help you quit smoking those damn cigarettes.
9. The DeMarcus Warewithal
Do you have the wherewithal to sack someone like a beast? Buy a car? A house? A ferret? Yeah, I don’t either. But at least we have a sweet fantasy football name.
10. Adrian Beatyerson
Hey, remember last year when you got the first-round pick in your fantasy league, and Adrian Peterson ended up being suspended for child abuse? Not this year! It’s time for redemption!
And if that joke offended you, come on. I mean, you’re welcome to direct your opprobrium at me on Twitter, but I’m telling you right now: I’m Italian. My grandma was unforgiving with the Italian weapon of choice - the wooden spoon - she’d use to punish me when I got lippy.
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11. Helu, Is It Me You’re Looking For?
I’m sure Derek Carr will have no problem getting the ball to Roy Helu. Unless of course Carr’s eyeliner gets in his eyes and obscures his vision. And yes, we’re aware the above .gif is from Helu’s time as a Redskin. Just use the power of your imagination and pretend it’s Opposite Day. It’s good to know that Roy “Lolo Jones” Helu won’t have any trouble adjusting to Oakland’s track-and-field-baseball-football field.
12. Demaryius Targaryen
Long ago, in an idyllic country far away known as Denver, there lived a prince named Demaryius Targaryen (photo credit: NCSooner, reddit.com). He fought talk of Hometown Discounts with dragons born from shells made of money and burned tales of the great Jake Plummer, who lived 176 years before his royal birth.
And sticking to the Game of Thrones theme:
13. Game of Zone Coverage
14. Johnny Manziel’s Bench: Splinters Are Coming
15. Nick Foles Gold
Because some people just refuse to believe that the Eagles are gimmickier than the WWE. So you do you in St. Louis, lil’ Nick. You do you.
16. A.A. Ron Rodgers
Named for Key & Peele’s brilliant Super Bowl Special, this one had to make the list. And just in case you’ve been living under Nick Foles' fake gold, this skit was inspired by Key & Peele’s classic sketch.
17. Am I a Dick? Sher, man
18. The Jeremy Hill’s Have Eyes
Because this Photoshop really needed to be made. Jeremy Hill is always watching you. Even right now. Quick! Cover your phone or computer camera! He has access to EVERYTHING. He was responsible for the Sony hack, not North Korea.
19. Mary-Kate & Greg Olsen
Not many people know this, but Mary-Kate Olsen and Greg Olsen have been dating for two and a half days now. Here they are visiting Laguna Beach, where Greg is chivalrously wrapping his arm around Mary-Kate like a gentlemen, because she’s cold and his full gear makes his body extra insulated because he just got back from practice and they use genuine NFL game day footballs in Carolina. I’ll say he’s a keeper and a fantasy sleeper, Mary-Kate!
20. The Washington R*dsk*ns
Censored so no one gets on your case.